Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Because these are my thoughts at night

I will crawl underneath the nail bed of your big toe
I will creep across your shins
Pay no attention to me as I slither through your thighs

I will swim through your intestines
I’m the captain of your bowels (!)


I will scrape my way to your brain
I will scratch
I will eat

I will shit

I will encompass you

Sleep is for the Weeks

Will I always be tired? I look so tired. I am beginning to look old and tired; I can feel my face sag with gravity. I looked at myself on a train in the countryside and said to myself, alone, "I look old(er). I look different." My reflection was moving fast and time was escaping quickly at the momentum of the train. It was as if in that moment I saw all of the sleepless nights and stress and travel nestled underneath my eyelids. As if time was clinging to my pores. You can see the smiles and grimaces of the past. Nothing could be hidden. Nothing could be changed at this point. I had already smoked too many cigarettes and hadn't worn enough sunscreen--the damage had been done. The damage is done. I will always be tired. I want to sleep. Sleep is an escape from my reality even though I always remember my dreams. My anxiety seems validated there. Sometimes in my dreams, I am too tired to see. Am I resigning myself, instead of grasping onto a refusal to give in?

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I wonder a lot of things.
I wonder how that woman reporter on CNN could read from her telepromter that stated how two rapists were "so promising..."  etc. and could keep a straight face.
I wonder how women (and men), but mostly young girls, can survive without believing in feminism and/or calling themselves a feminist. How women go out of their way to say they are not a feminist.

I like words and even like to write them down on paper/screen. I'm also extremely sentimental and enjoy memory. It's a shame I am a bad storyteller.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Shitting while dancing

It's difficult to write while listening to music.
Too easily influenced.

I try to listen to listen to new music and feel uncomfortable by the unfamiliar. I was able to spell unfamiliar without my screen underlining it.
I read over my sentences in different voices because it makes me feel comedic. I said listen to twice.

My mind is quickly manipulative. Right before I switch there's a tingling sensation that runs through my head and down my back. My skull feels like it's pulsating.
When I was a baby I used to "lightly" bang my head against the crib (it was probably a pillow, details are sketchy) until I fell asleep. I was probably bored. Being a baby is fucking boring.

I don't like going back to the memories that make me feel like I might shit my emotions.
Used to and use to. I need clarification on that.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013


I googled it. It's supposed to be inadequate.
When I'm driving, random words pop into my mind and I try to figure out why they happen to come out. I talk to myself, I pick my nose, I sing. I refuse to look over at whoever is driving next to me because I pick my nose without realizing it. Have you ever eaten your own booger? I haven't. I was just asking.

Today at work I tried to say homicide and it came out as homo-cide.

Society me is stupid.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night to look up health symptoms. This week I was convinced I had TSS.
Obviously I survived.

From 7am-11pm I feel inadequate.
I'm only adequate in my dreams.