Sunday, December 23, 2012

Social Anxiety

I love Sundays. I say this often.
I enjoy going through my day at my own pace.
I enjoy listening to Beyonce with my dog. I'm a dog person. I talk to my dog. I look to my dog for some sort of reassurance. I prefer the company of dogs over people.

I don't like it when people ask me "what's new." Friends, nothing is ever new and you all make me feeling fucking boring when you ask me that.
Usually the day after a party I feel like vomiting. I know I just spent the previous night fluffing my life so I can feel somewhat up to par. What the fuck does that even mean?

Then I watch dog videos on youtube and get over my anxiety. I realize that I just over analyze every situation and I can't be a people pleaser.

Then I receive a text from a friend telling me about a woman who flipped her car last night and the doctors can't stop the bleeding. Her 9 year old daughter isn't aware of the situation.

Life is odd. Anxiety is overwhelming.
Sundays are my slow day.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

"Self-Care: 12/15/12"

Listening to the same album or artist over and over as self-care.
Putting on make-up as self-care.
Wearing clothes that I look okay in and don’t feel fat in as self-care.
Watching too much Sex and the City for the 23rd time as self-care.
Obsessing on whichever girl (usually female anyway) who is cooler than me and who is intriguing me most at this moment as self-care. Look up coinciding wikipidia pages, tumblr, blogger, websites, associated with said obsession as self-care.
Look in the mirror and lift my shirt to see how fat I look today, then cross my eyes to make sure I am only seeing my silhouette and not my disillusion as self-care. Read short stories as self-care.
Scouring for new music that will make me feel happy and excited as self-care. Feminism as self-care.
Thinking about cats and dogs as self-care.
Trying to write anything as self-care.
This list as self-care.
Re-reading love letters written to me recently as self-care.
Spending time with person who wrote the letters, who makes me forget everything outside of his room exists, as self-care.
Orgasms as self-care.
Wine, beer, weed, liquor as self-care.
Distraction as self-care.
Trying to get myself to cry as self-care.
 Daydreaming as self-care.
Best friends as self-care.
Smelling perfume as as self-care.
Going through your emails, email drafts, etc until you see something that you did in the past that makes you feel like you did something worthwhile or were decent as self-care.
Narcissism as self-care.
Making sure you existed in the past as self-care.
Making sure you were an okay human at some points as self-care.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

"I wish you could leave facetime messages"

It's nice to do what feels like a time warp for a bit. I like reading blogs because I obsess over productive lives and then realize I'm mostly unproductive. Hypochrondriac (spell took a goodgle search), so now I break out in hives. I hope this breeds some substance.